Grief

A couple of years ago, I had a thought.. I think an acquaintance of mine from high school had a mother that died.. and I wondered.. god.. i don't know what i would do if that happened to me. at the time, i relied on my mom for so many things.. she was living with us in my house, paying half of everything like a roommate.. she had helped me raise zach from the moment he was born. there was only a couple of years that we didn't live with her, when i lived in the redwood apartments and i worked at the tribune.. and even then she was constantly coming over to check on us and seeing if i needed help cleaning, etc. i could talk to her about work, about school, about MEN (but not the details eesh) she gave really good advice. .. we watched shear genius together, shopped together, i knew to get her a plain hamburger whenever we went to culvers :)... she wore high heels until it turned her toenails into the "rams horn".. trust me you don't wanna know lol.. she always wore the same kind of toenail & fingernail polish that i got for her at the beauty supply stores.. "i'm not really a waitress".. a pretty pinkish-red.. i don't think she every took it off.. she just polished over & over & over.. so when she actually did have to take it off at the hospital her fingers were stained haahaha.. her favorite color is leopard print.. she always looked 10yrs younger than she was.. i'm not saying she didn't have any faults.. she definitely did.. but i didn't ever in a million years expect to lose her. she was my mom. i thought moms were supposed to always be there. i have so many issues getting over relationships.. i can't even move past my first major relationship that i was in when i was 15 and a sophomore in high school.. the same fricking age that my son is now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so take that relationship plus how many other ones.. if i can't get past those how am i even going to be able to deal with this? her things are still in bags and bins in my living room. it's been 4 months. i still can't bear to go through them. i've taken a couple of things out here and there.. but i'm not ready yet. i bought a book on grief recovery.. it even deals with other losses such as relationships, etc. i've already learned a lot. basically, nobody can say they "know how you feel" because they didn't have the same relationship that i did with my mom. and also.. a lot of people say things when you are grieving just because they don't know what else to say.. and because you are experiencing intense emotional suffering, these comments can be inappropriate and it's ok to be confused or upset about it like for example.. "the living must go on.. she's in a better place.. all things must pass.. she led a full life.. god will never give you more than you can handle.. be grateful you had her for so long".. i am guilty of saying these things to people and i heard many of them at the funeral.. and instead of just allowing myself to feel the pain of missing her and being sad, i tried to stay strong (which is another thing i should not have done) and i told people "i'm glad her suffering is over, etc etc".. it does go on to say the best way to grieve is to get your thoughts out. find someone that will listen to you talk about your sadness and your loved one. So i'm hoping this blog can be that outlet. unless somebody wants to sit and listen to me sometime. but it might end up a huge cryfest and ice cream might be needed :) anyways, thanks for reading.. im outtie. but really i have an innie. heheheh