Baggage

It's hard to concentrate on "working on myself" when i've been in relationship mode for awhile. i mean i went so many years single when zach was little.. besides don.. god maybe 6 or 7 years? never wanting to push him on anyone.. never wanting to freak guys out by trying to make a relationship into an instant family.. that i kind of became an introvert.. shy.. the girl mellsie named "geo" :) i didnt really come out of my shell until i went to school for hair i bet.. and the one who suggested it was an ex that i didn't even date for long.. funny. since then i've kind of been on this horrible rollercoaster of exes since.. who have had all their own stories.. i could talk your ear off. my point is.. i keep reaching out.. to girl friends, guy friends, whoever.. i'm just lonely. i'm probably super annoying. It' so hard when you go sharing your every day with someone for 8 months and then just completely stop talking. my brain is driving me crazy.

tonight i had to stop & pick up my new medicine that my dr. prescribed me for my pituitary tumor. its still strange saying that. i think i'm used to it now, but i just feel like it's another piece of baggage i can add to my already heavy load. since ya know, i have no idea what my odds are of having kids now.. but hey, it's not like i'm dating anyone that wants kids anyways so it's not like it matters!!! so now i can add that to my pick up lines oh, and did i tell you i have sleep apnea? i get to wear a machine to bed every night! it kind of resembles hmmmm an oxygen mask.. no.. a gas mask.. no.. darth vader? yes!!!! these are just two MEDICAL problems added to my emotional baggage and i'm just a mess. at least i can keep it interesting lol

a couple things i have decided in the past couple of days.. i changed my mind.. i think i do like the jagger song.. and i want to get a tattoo for my mom. and i really like non-traditional weddings and when people write their own vows. i think it's sweet. my brother and sister in law had a really great wedding. the pictures are in an album on facebook if you want to see. we had famous daves cater for the reception so yes you should be jealous. and i really really really hope that someday i may be able to be a mommy again. but if i am not, i am still going to be the best auntie in the world.. and i'm so excited for my brother to be a dad. he is going to be so great at it.

ok ok i'm trying to STOP the pity parties.. but the blogging is helping!! and i am getting out more.. i've been doing a little hair.. went to zach's dad's sister's new bar (bottom's up) with kelly & crew the other night.. that was fun! going to the kornfest parade this weekend.. enjoying life. work is going to get busier this fall so overtime will be nice.. and i love the holidays. still reading my book on grief recovery. will need it for sure. sometimes i can see why guys wouldn't want to be with me because i am such a mess, but then i am just so sad because i know i am such a cool person and i have SO much love to offer. i was reading on one of the pituitary tumor support groups on facebook about mood swings and i really don't think i started having them until a couple of months ago when i started taking the medicine that messed with my hormones. i'm actually feeling things that i havent felt in years. my tumor just surpressed everything. it's crazy. or maybe i am. lol