survey says...

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||| 34% Schizoid |||||||||| 38% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 78% Antisocial |||||| 26% Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 54% Narcissistic |||||||||||||| 58% Avoidant |||||| 26% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 26%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Test Note: Read the descriptions below to avoid misinterpreting test results (for example, the Antisocial classification does not mean you are a loner, it means you tend to be insensitive towards others).
General Note: the validity and reliability of personality disorders are still lacking in strong statistical evidence and clear agreement in the scientific and medical community.

Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid.

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal
Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.
Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic
Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive
Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.


sooooooooooo yeah. that was NOT a shocker. would've put this on facebook, but couldn't fit it in a status cause it was too long. and the table thing up there was in html. i've taken a couple of these quiz things tonight and they have been dead on. it's so crazy. makes me seem like a basketcase but hey, whatever. hopefully someday, someone will love how crazy i am :)

Baggage

It's hard to concentrate on "working on myself" when i've been in relationship mode for awhile. i mean i went so many years single when zach was little.. besides don.. god maybe 6 or 7 years? never wanting to push him on anyone.. never wanting to freak guys out by trying to make a relationship into an instant family.. that i kind of became an introvert.. shy.. the girl mellsie named "geo" :) i didnt really come out of my shell until i went to school for hair i bet.. and the one who suggested it was an ex that i didn't even date for long.. funny. since then i've kind of been on this horrible rollercoaster of exes since.. who have had all their own stories.. i could talk your ear off. my point is.. i keep reaching out.. to girl friends, guy friends, whoever.. i'm just lonely. i'm probably super annoying. It' so hard when you go sharing your every day with someone for 8 months and then just completely stop talking. my brain is driving me crazy.

tonight i had to stop & pick up my new medicine that my dr. prescribed me for my pituitary tumor. its still strange saying that. i think i'm used to it now, but i just feel like it's another piece of baggage i can add to my already heavy load. since ya know, i have no idea what my odds are of having kids now.. but hey, it's not like i'm dating anyone that wants kids anyways so it's not like it matters!!! so now i can add that to my pick up lines oh, and did i tell you i have sleep apnea? i get to wear a machine to bed every night! it kind of resembles hmmmm an oxygen mask.. no.. a gas mask.. no.. darth vader? yes!!!! these are just two MEDICAL problems added to my emotional baggage and i'm just a mess. at least i can keep it interesting lol

a couple things i have decided in the past couple of days.. i changed my mind.. i think i do like the jagger song.. and i want to get a tattoo for my mom. and i really like non-traditional weddings and when people write their own vows. i think it's sweet. my brother and sister in law had a really great wedding. the pictures are in an album on facebook if you want to see. we had famous daves cater for the reception so yes you should be jealous. and i really really really hope that someday i may be able to be a mommy again. but if i am not, i am still going to be the best auntie in the world.. and i'm so excited for my brother to be a dad. he is going to be so great at it.

ok ok i'm trying to STOP the pity parties.. but the blogging is helping!! and i am getting out more.. i've been doing a little hair.. went to zach's dad's sister's new bar (bottom's up) with kelly & crew the other night.. that was fun! going to the kornfest parade this weekend.. enjoying life. work is going to get busier this fall so overtime will be nice.. and i love the holidays. still reading my book on grief recovery. will need it for sure. sometimes i can see why guys wouldn't want to be with me because i am such a mess, but then i am just so sad because i know i am such a cool person and i have SO much love to offer. i was reading on one of the pituitary tumor support groups on facebook about mood swings and i really don't think i started having them until a couple of months ago when i started taking the medicine that messed with my hormones. i'm actually feeling things that i havent felt in years. my tumor just surpressed everything. it's crazy. or maybe i am. lol

Only Once In Your Life

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” ~ Bob Marley~


wow.. i think i really needed that tonight. i just liked another quote page and this one happened to pop up. funny how things come to you when you need them sometimes. now i know things might not be as perfect as this quote is in my next relationship, but it does give me hope. THAT is what i want. someone that wants to be with me because i make them a happier person. and they don't hate their job. or hate this town. or hate paying child support. i wake up every day smiling at my stupid cats meowing at my bedroom door. i can't pour milk or open a yogurt container without spilling it all over. don't ask me to try and make pancakes that resemble circles because they end up looking like mickey mouse. with tumors. but it's hilarious. i guess what i'm saying is my heart hasn't quite closed completely yet.

Grief

A couple of years ago, I had a thought.. I think an acquaintance of mine from high school had a mother that died.. and I wondered.. god.. i don't know what i would do if that happened to me. at the time, i relied on my mom for so many things.. she was living with us in my house, paying half of everything like a roommate.. she had helped me raise zach from the moment he was born. there was only a couple of years that we didn't live with her, when i lived in the redwood apartments and i worked at the tribune.. and even then she was constantly coming over to check on us and seeing if i needed help cleaning, etc. i could talk to her about work, about school, about MEN (but not the details eesh) she gave really good advice. .. we watched shear genius together, shopped together, i knew to get her a plain hamburger whenever we went to culvers :)... she wore high heels until it turned her toenails into the "rams horn".. trust me you don't wanna know lol.. she always wore the same kind of toenail & fingernail polish that i got for her at the beauty supply stores.. "i'm not really a waitress".. a pretty pinkish-red.. i don't think she every took it off.. she just polished over & over & over.. so when she actually did have to take it off at the hospital her fingers were stained haahaha.. her favorite color is leopard print.. she always looked 10yrs younger than she was.. i'm not saying she didn't have any faults.. she definitely did.. but i didn't ever in a million years expect to lose her. she was my mom. i thought moms were supposed to always be there. i have so many issues getting over relationships.. i can't even move past my first major relationship that i was in when i was 15 and a sophomore in high school.. the same fricking age that my son is now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so take that relationship plus how many other ones.. if i can't get past those how am i even going to be able to deal with this? her things are still in bags and bins in my living room. it's been 4 months. i still can't bear to go through them. i've taken a couple of things out here and there.. but i'm not ready yet. i bought a book on grief recovery.. it even deals with other losses such as relationships, etc. i've already learned a lot. basically, nobody can say they "know how you feel" because they didn't have the same relationship that i did with my mom. and also.. a lot of people say things when you are grieving just because they don't know what else to say.. and because you are experiencing intense emotional suffering, these comments can be inappropriate and it's ok to be confused or upset about it like for example.. "the living must go on.. she's in a better place.. all things must pass.. she led a full life.. god will never give you more than you can handle.. be grateful you had her for so long".. i am guilty of saying these things to people and i heard many of them at the funeral.. and instead of just allowing myself to feel the pain of missing her and being sad, i tried to stay strong (which is another thing i should not have done) and i told people "i'm glad her suffering is over, etc etc".. it does go on to say the best way to grieve is to get your thoughts out. find someone that will listen to you talk about your sadness and your loved one. So i'm hoping this blog can be that outlet. unless somebody wants to sit and listen to me sometime. but it might end up a huge cryfest and ice cream might be needed :) anyways, thanks for reading.. im outtie. but really i have an innie. heheheh

first post ever!!

welcome to my little space in the universe that i can call home to my thoughts and hopes and ramblings.. i haven't been able to express myself like this for a LONG time.. gosh probably since myspace.. i used to love blogging.. so i don't know how often i'll do it, but i'll be sure to post it on facebook every time. and please excuse the run-on sentences and capitalization. my spelling isn't usually too bad though :D

let's see there are SO many things going through my mind tonight i don't even know where to begin.. i do know i haven't been getting the right amount of sleep lately so i should make this short and sweet. today, zach had his 2nd behind the wheel lesson. he said he drove 45mph. crazy! so proud of him. i teeter between being constantly worried about him to being proud of him all the time. i hope this year is better for him at school. last year was a tough year with everything that happened. he seems to be looking forward to school starting though :)

***warning, this is not a very happy part***
as of this week i'm newly single again.. it was mutual.. sad but what can you do. hopefully there is someone out there that is a better fit for me.. it was the most stable and safe relationship i've been in so far though. it kills me because that is so hard to find.. there are so many assholes out there. and it's not like i'm the youngest chicken in the barn.. i just hate putting myself out there to get hurt. i don't want to do it again. i'd rather be the cat lady. it's too scary. i need to learn how to let go of some of this hurt from the past. i'm still holding onto pain from the last ex that lived with me and left. and even the one before that.. just that i spent so much time focusing my energy on him and i ended up with nothing in return. im so bitter.. i guess i was hoping eventually it would all work out and i would be happy someday. i would find a husband and get a bigger house and maybe have another kid or two and then work part time doing hair.. but no.. i work my ass off.. buy my own house. it's just me and zach and my cats.. none of my relationships work out.. and my mom dies. karma? am i doing something wrong? bad timing? yeah there's the bitter again.

ok, time for bed. i really am an optimistic person. going to concentrate on me and zach for awhile. my health problems are for a whole other blog. but i'm feeling a lot better so that is good!! excited to see some friends tomorrow night.
ni ni peeps.